Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Best Hardest Christmas Ever!

This Christmas can definitely be defined as my most difficult and at the same time best Christmas ever.  My lifelong dream of becoming a mother finally came true.  With the fulfillment of that dream came more worry and heartache than I have had to experience up to now.

Christmas day was also a contradiction of feelings.  The previous night I had been released from the ICU and moved back to the post partum floor.  We had been hoping to go home for Christmas.  Christmas morning we got to talk with Tyler's sister Katelyn, serving in Holland over three way facetime.  She told us she had prayed and felt everything would be okay.  She said she told her mission president that she was doing the most important thing she could be doing now - helping bring others to the joy that we have in the Gospel.  Then we got to watch my family open presents over facetime.  All those things made me homesick.

Christmas afternoon the doctor came and said that my platelets, while not back to where they should be, were on an upward trend - the right direction; and my liver enzymes, not yet where they should be either, were on a downward trend - also the right direction.  He said with everything trending in the right direction, and follow up appointments scheduled with doctors, that he would be okay to release me.  At his words I felt an initial leap of excitement, followed by a sadness and dread to be further away from my little boy.  My dreams came true, but in a different way than I ever expected.  I always imagined spending days and weeks holding my baby, kissing him, loving him, and providing his every need.  Instead, I have to leave him in the hospital and shuttle back and forth to see him.  I don't get to provide his every need, because I am unable to right now.  That is provided by his nurses and doctors and I find myself fighting jealousy that all I can do is look, talk, sing quietly to him and pray.  I was excited to leave the hospital, but hated to leave it!

We had missed lots of family time and celebrations during our week in the hospital, and were happy to be home, spending time with those we loved.  I was happy that Tyler would finally have a nice bed to sleep in, instead of chairs or tiny pull out beds, and for the distraction of the excitement of Christmas - but the biggest part of my heart was left in a little NICU basinette, where the best Christmas present ever was sleeping.

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